Mental illness has such a stigma to it, even now with all the information available, many people still react in fear to the slightest mention of a disease that shows no obvious outward symptoms.
This is not easy to write about, mainly because it is embarrassing to admit to the things, I have done to myself over the years. A lot of which none of my friends or family know of. Putting it out on the internet is possibly not the smartest thing to do, but it is cathartic and part of my path to accepting who I am.
I have had ADHD since I was a child. Issues with my primary school meant that the teachers insisted I be tested, and even though the results were emphatically yes – my parents were so upset by the thought of my school holding me back, that they refused to believe the diagnosis, let alone accept the help.
It has only been in the past few years that I have come to terms with the fact that I really do have ADHD, and that my OCD (a running joke in the family) was really something my mind came up with as a coping mechanism.
The Stigma of Stereotypes.
Part of the problem is that ADHD has always been heavily stereotyped. Most people only recognise the common male signs, such as hyperactivity, not realising that for girls and women, the opposite is generally the case.
Growing up I was called a day dreamer. I was constantly in my own head, spacing out, slow to understand some things, hyper-reactive, lacking impulse control and would cry easily for no reason. If you go through the entire list of common signs in girls, I ticked every single box.
But unfortunately, due to a lack of understanding at the time (the 90s were not exactly the internet age as we know it), I was labelled the day dreamer who could not look after herself.
The struggle to get help
Over the years I have struggled with depression, addiction, and loneliness. I look back and wonder how on earth I got through those years. I have been through cycles of alcohol abuse, drug addiction – both legal and not (codeine, coke and md being my preferred choices), obsession with fitness to the point of causing my thyroid to over-react followed by extreme weight loss & weight gain, to over-eating dairy foods to the point of deliberately making myself sick (lactose intolerance as a form of self punishment), to periods of using sex to numb myself and months where I would lock myself away at home.
Various attempts to see Doctors for help always ended the same way, a patronising metaphorical pat on the head followed by a maybe it is just the birth control you are on? This was from both male and female doctors.
Twice I managed to get in front of a psychologist, only for the same thing to happen. Instead of being referred to a someone who specialised in ADHD, the doctors insisted that I had to see their preferred person (who of course did not have experience in ADHD). It felt like I was screaming but no one was listening.
Finding a way forward
It has truly been only over the past 6 months that I have found some sort of stability in my life, and that is because I met the very first person who ever accepted me exactly as I am. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t an overnight change. But having someone truly accept you, without judgement, it truly a rare gift.
When I started this blog, it was during a period of struggle and it acted as an escape. Needing something positive to cling to, I looked back at the times where I was happiest – which of course was when I was travelling. Writing about my memories was a way to mentally escape. It has been hard to maintain consistency, last year especially was tough. Finding myself supporting so many friends, family and people emotionally was incredibly draining, and there was nothing left for me. It has been a long journey to finding balance.
Lockdown Benefits
One of the true positives over the past year however, was that lockdown gave me time to think, to work out what is it I actually want? Now that I am 33, life feels like it is flying past, yet I am still in the same spot I was 5 years ago. So what happened in that time? A long spiral downwards into depression, an unhealthy relationship, and some serious debt.
It is incredible what you can do when you set your mind to it. Once I accepted that no one was going to help me, and that the life I want is not just going to magically appear without some serious effort, clarity and focus started to appear.
Learning to accept the way my mind looks at the world
Now I am nearly debt free, in a healthy relationship (which truly was the last thing I was looking for), at a healthy weight and making progress to building my future. All of which combine to mean that when I do have my episodes, they are now lasting weeks and not months.
Today for example, is the first day I have felt normal in the past 3 weeks. The past few weeks have been a cycle of feeling incredibly overwhelmed, of drinking too much, crying each morning because of the incredible feeling of crushing stress, insomnia and depression. Last night I finally reached the point of mental and physical exhaustion, meaning I was actually able to sleep. So today, tired but calm I found myself typing this post. Trying to get the words out before they disappear, to find some way of explaining the chaos inside my head.
I feel okay writing this. And it won’t be the last time I write about my experiences with ADHD.
As I read in a book recently, ADHD is not a mental illness, it is simply another way of looking at the world.
Krissy x
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